Progress in Iraq

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Categorized | North America, The Middle East

Posted on 06 August 2007

Columnist - John Sammon
So. It all comes down to this. After four years of blunders, stupidity and deceit, this is it. We’re all waiting breathlessly for a military general (Petraeus), in September, to tell us whether Iraq is worth it. No civilians will be allowed to give their opinions, no senator, no experts without uniforms, no congressman, or woman. Previous studies will be ignored. Just one man, a military man, will decide. And what do you think he’ll say? Iraq is bullshit? Let’s go home and forget about it?

This is what he will say.

Ladies and gentlemen. We’re making progress. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. We had to destroy the village to save it. Just be patient. Give us four more years. It’s better we fight them there (Iraq) rather than in New York. It’s the Central Front in the war on terror. Tippecanoe and Tyler too.

It will be music to George Bush’s ears. Petraeus and Bush play tennis together. Petraeus promised to give Bush his first born child for an alter sacrifice. I can’t wait to hear this objective assessment. Why do you think? Now use your head. Why do you think a military man might be somewhat reluctant to admit (even if it was true), that military force can’t force a solution? Isn’t armed might always the answer to every problem no matter what…right or wrong? Have you ever heard a general with a uniform on say, I think we ought to turn this over to civilian negotiators and try for some kind of compromise? That’s for wimps. Sissies. Blow their shit away.

Petraeus never saw a war he didn’t love. He’s a career man. You can’t get anywhere in a career if your career is war and there’s no war. That’s like learning to fly a plane on the ground and then never really flying it. War is his business. Without war, he’s got nothing to do except shuffle papers in an office and look at the trees out the window.

Bush loves it. So does Pet. Getting an objective assessment from him is like asking a professional baseball player not to use a mitt.

I did my own study and came up with several reasons why we’re making progress in Iraq, although what real progress is hasn’t exactly been defined, and nobody knows what it is or seems to care. It (progress) is just a bullshit word that sounds good.

Here goes: Given the fact that recently, warlords and clerics in Iraq told their tribal people to arm themselves because the US can’t adequately protect them, and the regime we set up in Baghdad can’t either. Because of this, Petraeus will say it shows progress.

I agree.

After all. The fact they’re arming themselves because we can’t control the country could mean they might be potentially hostile to Al-Qaeda. We helped install Al-Qaeda in Iraq with our invasion. We set them up in business. But forget about that. That’s past. I found a guy named Sabu Butler who used to live in Iraq who said everything there is no worse than it ever was. The electricity was messed up years ago. Now that’s progress. What more do you need? Here are other definite signs of progress. More Iraqis know who Paris Hilton is. More Iraqis today live in the United States than they do in Iraq. So, we can say that since most of the friendlies are over here, that only leaves mostly hostiles, savages, over there. All the easier to take them out. That’s progress.

At least five Iraqis questioned last Thursday indicated a willingness to dye their hair blonde, which shows a pro-Western sentiment. One Iraqi said he wanted to become Marilyn Monroe. See! Pro-Western! Pro-Western! There has been a proliferation in the sniffing of women’s underwear. This leaves no doubt Iraqis are becoming more Westernized as this is a popular diversion among many Americans…but hitherto was largely unknown in the Middle East.

Finally, since we haven’t won, we also haven’t lost. Good enough reason to continue, to, as Bush puts it, stay the course. Here are eight benchmarks the Iraqi government needs to accomplish before US troops leave the country.

1. Iraqis must refer to themselves under the new name we’ve selected for them. Dumbassistan.

2. Iraqis must wear their underwear on the outside. Dirty means they’ve been crawling or hiding in dust. Therefore they are terrorists.

3. Iraq must sign an agreement, that if we can’t find a terrorist in one hovel, we have the legal right to kill the guy in the next hovel…regardless.

4. Iraqis must keep an effigy of George Bush dressed in a Roman toga in a small shrine in their huts.

5. Iraq will agree to make Petraeus Viceroy of the Colony of Iraq after his progress speech in September.