Writes: Christine Akiteng
Up until now, I have made it a point to post only articles about dating and relationships because that’s where my passion is. But this last week, something different happened. Senator Barack Obama found my number, dialed all the right digits and said things that stirred me so deep that I was crying like a woman whose man had just told her for the first time “I love you”.
I was “forced” to watch Obama’s speech on YouTube while my friends who had watched it earlier made sure I watched it because they know I hate politics in general (for very personal reasons). They were obviously having fun at my expense but when they saw me crying they knew that it had gotten too personal.
That’s when every single one of them admitted that they too had cried watching the video - but since they had watched it alone none of us got to see them cry. So here we were six grown-up intelligent women crying over a YouTube video. We asked each other what touched us most about the speech and that’s when it hit us.
We have been friends for a long time but we’ve been trying so hard to be “politically correct” around each other that Obama in his speech had not only spoken to us but called us out on it.
You see, I have a few white friends and few black friends (books and friends, my mother always said, should be few and good) but we’ve never really had an open honest discussion about race, prejudices or downright insensitivity to people different from us, that’s until Obama’s speech on race.
We’re a close tight group of friends who occasionally go out widow-shopping like most women. Too many times, shop attendants singled out three of us who are black and followed us around the store or asked our white friends “Are you with them?”. And it doesn’t matter that we are well-dressed, decent looking and very polite and soft-spoken, we are looked at very suspiciously. My white friends always confront these shop attendants and after we storm out of the store, we all talk about how “unfair” that is, then those of us who are black say “not all white people are like that” and point out how our friends are different. And that’s just how far we had dared to go on the subject.
There were many occassions, that we, the black ones of the group insisted that we enter only stores that had black shop attendants because there we felt welcome. But none of our white friends ever mentioned that they didn’t find this whole “black shop attendants only” window-shopping fun or even felt that it was the right attitude since we were black and white friends. We the black folks just assumed that they felt exactly the way we felt.
But after watching Obama’s speech on YouTube, there was no more reason for us to pretend that we are “colour blind” and not like all the “racist” people out there. In fact there was no turning back at this point. Obama had spoken to something inside all of us. The conversation had to start now or never. It was very painful; I am not going to lie about it.
For the first time in years, I talked to my friends about a time I visited one of my white friend’s family (and that friend was sitting right there with us); and her mother very excited to finally meet me (we’d spoken on the phone several times)” said I was really “striking for an African woman” and very “polished”. She is so fashion-conscious and talked a little bit about how I had chosen colours that compliment my skin tone. Then she went on to say, “that must be hard for you coming from Africa because here in Canada there is so much to choose from” (Ouch!). But that was not all, she asked about my work and after I told her how I was doing, she said, I was not like all other black people because I was educated, intelligent, hard working and successful. Most of them, she said “come here and we have to support them (welfare) while all they do is give birth to many children and kill each other”. (Ouch…Ouch!)
All these things she said were supposed to be compliments about me, but obviously they came out not the way that I had expected (or wanted). For the rest of my three day stay in her home, she was like a mother to me. You wouldn’t have in a million years known that this is the same woman who said the things she said about black people. I can say with all honesty, I do not think she has a racist bone in her body. In fact until Obama’s speech, I had not even mentioned that incident to her daughter.
I had good reason not to mention this to her daughter. A few months after I arrived to Canada from Africa, I met her daughter at my workplace and we quickly became friends because we had a lot in common. One day she invited me to her place. We were watching TV when a World Vision commercial came on. The commercial said something to the effect that it only costs “only a dollar a day to save this child”. And my friend said — I can vividly remember it because it cut deep to the core — “Taking care of my Ozzie (dog) here costs me ten times more. I should move to Africa and have as many dogs as I want, and may be ask some white person to donate just a dollar a day to help raise them”.
I was completely taken aback. That could have been me (40 years ago) she is talking about. I was born and raised in that same exact environment but looking at me, she’d never have guessed that there were many nights I went to bed hungry because we had a bad drought that year or because my mother’s meager salary could not last until the next pay cheque; or that at 6 years old I walked more than 7 miles to and 7 miles back from school every single day five days a week; or that I was eleven years old when I wore my first pair of shoes — an old pair (two sizes too big) that an elderly Anglican missionary gave to me; or that I learned to use a telephone when I was 16 years old. She would never have guessed sitting next to me that only a few years ago my life was considered by some charity commercial to be worth “a dollar a day”.
For years I heard Western diplomats, aid worker, volunteers and charity organizations say things that were insensitive and racist about African poverty. Working in three Foreign Diplomatic missions abroad and with the European Union, World Bank and UNICEF programs abroad and here in Canada, I heard lots of these “insensitive” analysis and comments in meeting board rooms, but this was the first time someone had said something this “insensitive” to me, just the two of us alone.
The night my other friend said “Taking care of my Ozzie (dog) here costs me ten times more. I should move to Africa and have as many dogs as I want, and may be ask some white person to donate just a dollar a day to help raise them”. I tossed in bed asking myself “should I continue a friendship with a person who said such hurtful things without really understanding the problems Africans face or keep being her friend and “educate” her about Africa and it’s problems?” I had a choice, leave and change nothing or stay and change something. Then I heard my mother’s voice in my head “weak people only see reasons to make enemies, strong people only see the opportunity to make friends”.
Over time, we became really great friends and two years after that incident, my friend visited Africa for the first time. She said nothing would have ever prepared her for such a “life-changing” experience. She now says her experience made her a better human being. She has since officially added the African name she was given as induction to my “tribe” to her name. In the African sense, she is now my “real sister” because she’s of my “tribe’.
But there are two sides to every story. In another incident that we had never talked about until Obama’s speech, we were out with my white and black friends and one of my black friends made a comment about white women being attracted to black men just because of their skin colour. Then she said “even ugly black men black women would never give a second glance” (Ouuuch!). Of course she quickly realized what she’d said. In fact, one of our white friends with us is married to an African man and we could all feel the tension in the air. Our black friend apologized profusely, almost going down on her knees — call it “typical African” over dramatizing everything — but she was truly sorry.
Our collective response — at that time — was to laugh away the “discomfort” and change the topic to talking about how some women of all races have a really bad taste when it comes to men. It was probably one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life, because I’ve known my black friend for 15 years, and she’s said privately and publicly that she’s dated white guys and to her skin colour didn’t make a man, character did. And again, she’s the last person I’d ever call racist because I’ve seen it first hand how she relates to people around her. Skin tone really doesn’t matter to her.
I could go on and on about some of the things we talked about but the one that I told my friends changed my worldview is a story that was told to us when we were children sitting around a bonfire in a clear blue and very quite Africa night, listening to the voice of my grandfather or grandmother. These are some of my most favourite memories of all times and always remember these experiences with tears in my eyes.
Anyways, this is a story about the first Catholic priest to visit one of the villages where no one had ever seen a white person. Word quickly passed around that if you touched the white priest’s hand or had any physical contact with him, he’d steal your soul and drain all the blood out of your veins and you’d drop down dead right there and then. This is because in most African cultures like mine, the darker the person’s skin tone, the richer his or her soul is said to be. And of course no one had ever heard of another race that is not dark -skinned. As far as these villagers were concerned all people in the world were dark-skinned, owned cattle and wrestled lions.
It was no wonder that the first reaction to the Catholic priest was that the colour of his skin must be because he has no soul and no blood in him. When the priest extended his hand in greeting, people scattered running as fast as they could. He tried to draw curious kids closer with candy and the kids always told him to throw the candy on the ground so they can pick it up. When he threw it down they scrambled all over the candy. The priest never understood why. He later said he thought African children just preferred food that was all rolled up in mud.
One day a group of young warriors — men who’d single handedly killed lions with just one small spear — dared each other to touch the priest. The whole point was to see who is not afraid of death. The one who was brave enough actually did it, and everyone stood holding their breath. Needless to say, the young warrior didn’t drop down dead. So you can imagine how everyone rushed to touch the poor priest. I say “poor” priest because this is part of Africa where people are to this day walking around “naked but not ashamed”. Men and women, young and old were all pressing bodies on the priest. They wanted to see if you pinch him he feels pain, if you poke him on the sides he’ll laugh and if you look into his eyes you’ll actually see his soul.
In that single moment the Catholic priest became not just a white man but a human being, just like the rest of them. In fact it became so cool to be seen walking with the priest hand-in-hand. Being “a human being” is the coolest thing where I come from. Forget about sexy bodies or sexy clothes or sexy cars, just be “a human being” and you are so cool.
Were these African people prejudiced against white people or even racist? Absolutely not. Were they acting out of ignorance? You bet. Are they bad people for reacting the way they did? Jesus, NO!
After listening to Barack Obama’s speech it was clear to me that this is exactly the point he was making but was getting lost in all the political “stupidity” that I now read on the internet and hear on some TV shows. Excuse “stupidity” comment, I said early that I don’t like anything “politics” and I have my very personal reasons. What I heard Obama say was that whether we publicly admit it or not, some of the experiences we have as human beings and some of which we are not even consciously aware of or do not remember shape our decisions, attitudes, behaviour and involuntary reactions to people we know very little about or we think we know based on stereotypes fed to us by the media and other ignorant and biased avenues.
Being in the middle of both sides of this hidden and sometimes involuntary fear of the “other” Obama is in a unique position not only to see these things in a very intimate way but openly talk about them without necessarily being on one side or other. After all, when black people say things about white people that are based on ignorance and stereotypes (and in the case of Rev. Wright, deep-seated anger), Obama feels the pain because the half-part of him that is white is being misrepresented. And the same goes for when white people say things about black people that are based on ignorance and stereotypes; Obama feels the pain because the half-part of him that is black is being misrepresented.
So whether you support his candidacy or not, and whether you support the policies he represents or not, or even whether you like Obama or not ( I personally have no particular preference for any of the candidates because as far as I am concerned only Americans can chopse their own president) can we at least agree that it’s time we people of all colours, races, religions and whatever else, stop hiding behind defensive (cowardly) reactions like “I am not like that” or “I ‘ve been called a racist” and confront this “poison” destroying our societies, countries and world.
This epidemic that is worse than HIV/AIDS or failing economies or even terrorism is FEAR. Not just fear of the “UNKNOWN OTHER” but fear of losing the divisive (ego-centric) identities that have separated us from each other and kept us fighting each other for centuries; fear of being seen as nothing but “human beings” who are not any better than the other but who collectively as “ONE” can overcome anything and everything that threatens our very “human” existence on this earth.
My friends and I have already started this conversation. The most painful parts were discovering that even if we’ve been friends for years, some of us have all these years harboured “grudges” about something one or the other said or did that we felt was misrepresentation of who we truly are, how we feel and what we’ve done in this world.
What Obama has done is not just call for an open and honest conversation on race, he’s also called for an open and honest conversation on “tribalism” at least for places like Africa where race is not as big a problem as “tribalism” is. In fact one of my African friends who happens to be from Kenya said that in Kenya, the stereotype of Ugandan women is that of “promiscuous women” because of Ugandans’ open attitude to sexuality. She said after knowing me she had concluded that I am an exception. I was really shocked (a little pissed off too) because I didn’t know that she was thinking these things for 15 long years.
Knowing what I know now, will I end our friendship because she had these thoughts about Ugandan women for 15 years? No. Never. Ever. I love my friend and she’s been with me through some of the most trying times of my life.
And now that we are not trying hard to be so politically correct all the time, we all feel like a couple that just renewed their marriage vows.
It’s my heartfelt prayer that this open call by Obama does not end with his bid for America’s presidency but that this is just the beginning of something bigger than all over us — our bid to save ourselves from the extinction of the human race. There is the urgency of the moment now more than ever because our collective problems as a human race are overwhelming us and there is such a thing as being “too late’. That hour is upon us.
About The Author: Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge! Christines websites: http://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com | http://www.theartofseducingoutoffullness.com | http://www.playinghardtogettheloveway.com
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