Columnist – John Sammon
Beat me Dick! Here! Harder! Harder!

Dick Cheney will go down in American history as the country’s first true Grand Inquisitor, or in other words, a fanatic who seeks out heresy and then punishes it by the torture of victims.

In this case, prisoners.

Dick was on TV justifying water boarding and other forms of torture that he’s convinced represents American justice, even though we didn’t torture Nazi prisoners during World War Two.

Dick loves pain, having it inflicted by others on others, and profiting from it. See him greedily counting his money. Dick never served in uniform. He was too busy counting his money, ‘one million one, one million twoâ?¦‘

Oh Dick. Flail me with a whip. I’ll confess to being an enemy.

Dick is promoting several forms of what he calls in the best pot-bellied bureaucrat tradition, ‘attitude adjusters.’ The first is the proverbial thumb-screw, a long-time favorite, an oldie but a goodie from the Spanish Inquisition. The screw is screwed down onto your thumb. Thus, in this case, Dick literally screws you.

Oh Dick! The pain! It’s exquisite! What do you want me to confess to? Being un-American. I am. I am. Harder Dick. Oh, that’s it.

WaterBoarding Demonstration

Next is the nickel-cad battery hooked up to your scrotum, with the phallic-shaped lightening rod attachment. This is one of Dick’s favorites, to be used on prisoners who have no attorney, and have been convicted of no crime in the American tradition.

Dick has come down from his lofty money pile which is expanding because of crooked Iraq contracts to watch the torture session.

Oh Dick! That’s it! I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.

We’re deep in Dick’s torture bunker under the White House.

What’s next? Oh, one of my favorites. We bring in an Arab suspected of something and force him to sit on a red hot George Foreman inside barbecue grill. Hear the sizzle on his butt.

He may have done something. We’re not certain. It doesn’t matter that we’re not certain. In this case, legalistically, instead of innocent until proven guilty, it’s, you’re guilty as hell until I hack the sh.’t outta’ ya,’ and you’ll rot in jail without trial if you survive this, and then you’re guiltier than before. If you’re not guilty, that’s too bad. You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

Dick agrees. He doesn’t care about winning the Nobel Prize.

Careful Dick! You’re getting excited. Remember your heart condition. The doctor told you to stay away from anything exciting or otherwise. He said counting money was about the extent of your tolerance.

This A-rab’s nationality doesn’t matter, if you’ve seen one Arab, you’ve seen them all. He’s confessing to something. That’s it! Get it on tape. Oh, isn’t this just rad (radical). All Americans should be proud. It’s a great moment.

Why didn’t we use this torture gig earlier?

Now comes icing on the cake. Oh, this is exciting Dick. Dick has his handlers force an Arab to perform fellatio on a live pig. That’s offensive to Arabs isn’t it? Dick and his boys don’t know because they haven’t studied Arab culture. But he thinks it is.

Dick is thinking up new forms of torture. Playing heavy metal music around the clock wasn’t all that effective.

Sandpapering gonads? No! Too hardware-ish. Mounting pine cones on a rope, and shoving them up the rectum one at a time? Too ecological. Tying the victim to a truck tire and then driving to Alaska? No! Too automotive.

I’ve got it!

How about forcing prisoners to listen to three hundred of George Bush’s speeches?

Yeah!

© Copyright 2008 by SammonSays.com

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