Columnist – John Sammon
Here is the text of a speech given by the Republicans’ new chairman, the first Republican African American chairman, Michael Steele. Steele’s words are accompanied by translations explaining what he really meant.

(In other words, the truth).

“A great deal has changed since President Reagan left the national stage (collapse of the country under Republicans’ eight years). Our enemies have come to our shores (immigrants).

Reagan’s successes (failures) were in large part due to his ability to focus on those things that unite us (right wing fundamentalist extremism, and covert illegal operations in South America and the Middle East).

While our party has changed too, the core of who we are and what we believe has not (tax breaks and loop holes for big oil and corporations).

Republicans are not conflicted by the ups and downs of elections (If that communist nigger gets elected president, I’m leaving the country), but rather by the very nature of conservatism in the post-Reagan era (God is white, and anybody who’s not with us is a bad American).

During these changing times, Republicans stand on the precipice of conservatism, ready to throw each other off because we feel as if we lost our grip on what it means to be a Republican (religious political extremism, intolerance and racism). But, we should never lose faith first in our belief in the power and ingenuity of the individual to create the legacy of a nation through hard work and self-discipline” (as long as he’s rich, white and a guy).

Conservatism must stand firm once again in our belief that government should be limited (wiretap spying on Americans and torturing prisoners), so that it never becomes powerful enough to infringe on the rights of the individual (as long as those individuals aren’t in countries we don’t like).

Republicans must promote business regulations that encourage entrepreneurs to take risks, so that more individuals can enjoy the satisfaction and fruits of self-made success (sour fruit, everybody losing their jobs and homes after de-regulated banking gangsters ran wild selling out the country).

Our party must always remain steadfast in its defense of a colorblind society (by failure to pass one piece of Civil Rights legislation in 150 years).

Conservatives now have a window of opportunity (to act as obstructionists), to demonstrate the truth of America, that every American regardless of his or her station in life (must be rich), upbringing or social status (just not queers, niggers, spicks, or liberal communist faggots), has the opportunity to turn their hopes into action and to realize the promise that is the American (fading) dream (current nightmare).

Ronald Reagan understood that, and he acted to lift a dispirited nation to become that ’shining city on a hill’ (Detroit is a ghost town).

Republicans must remind America once again that its (broken) promise is the promise of endless possibilities (ways to lose your house), and define for countless generations those values we hold dear (elitism, racism, sexism and religious intolerant extremism).

Let’s hold dear the value and soul of religious faith (except for Muslims), complete integrity (Scooter Libby), loyalty and truthfulness (weapons of mass destruction in Iraq). Let’s honor America with incorruptible public service (soliciting gay sex with an underage boy in the men’s room), a respect for economy in government (Republican record deficits of all time). Let’s stand firm for our patriotism (Republicans never serve in the military), real love of country (except for Mexicans and niggers).

The party of Lincoln is the party of ideas (the status quo) and leadership (Dick Cheney) that have made and will continue to make this country great. It is still a long and bumpy road to the White House this November (bumpier than you knew).

If we stick to those principles that have long united our party (keep niggers and women out); these are values that continue to empower, uplift and remind us that America will always be the one place on earth where possibility meets opportunity (where nobody anywhere else in another country is allowed an opportunity).”

Copyright 2009 Sammonsays.

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