Columnist – John Sammon
What is it about Republicans? Do they belong in a lunatic asylum? One of us is crazy, and I don’t think it’s me.

Now remember, Republicans are elected by people who consider themselves supposedly intelligent people. The Republicans complained that Obama’s stimulus package was a “spending bill,” which brought the instantly famous rebuke from Obama, “what do you think a stimulus is?”

Then it dawned on me. It’s utterly incredible. The Republicans don’t consider wasteful war spending, imperialistic adventuring or nation building, conquering smaller third world countries and rebuilding them as loyal puppets in our image (after pillaging their natural resources, mainly oil), to be spending.

It isn’t spending to them, even though it’s a huge chunk of our budget.

Have you ever heard a Republican refer to the war in Iraq as spending? It is spending. How much does Iraq cost now? A billion dollars a month? The war was launched to take out weapons that weren’t there.

If wars and weapons systems and doomsday weapons developed by us aren’t considered spending, then, what is spending to a Republican?

It seems to me that to a Republican, it’s only spending if it helps someone somehow in this country. Here are the rules for it to be considered spending. First, it has to be promoted by a Democrat. Secondly, it has to be something that somehow, so-called “average” citizens can get their hands on.

Then it’s considered welfare, a historic dirty word. If you help someone’s welfare by giving them welfare, it’s considered wasteful spending. But if you develop a bomber we don’t need at a trillion dollars a plane, that’s not wasteful spending.

It’s not even considered spending.

Anything that’s pursued in the name of conquest is therefore patriotic and not considered spending.

The roots of this welfare-evil-every-weapons-system-good complex goes back to the still core belief many Republicans have that money spent on people usually helps only inferior people, immigrants, and as Republicans would put it, spick Mexicans and niggers. It’s also pretty clear that Republicans consider improving roads and schools to be right down there in priority with Mexicans and niggers.

But a new weapon? You never saw a Republican who didn’t like a new weapon, or a war, any war ever fought. Republicans never saw a war they didn’t like, even though Republicans almost never serve in the military.

Here below are just a few of the multi-xillion-dollar weapons systems now under consideration for development and not considered spending by the Republicans.

1. A gigantic ray-gun machine named in honor of the party’s Moses, Ronald Reagan. It will be called the Ronald Ray-Gun. Able to vaporize small countries we don’t like.

2. The Make-My-Day-Punk Annihilator Machine. So named for the fallacy that we’re tougher and better than lesser smaller countries because we have bigger weapons and refrigerators. Uses a fine spray of cyclamates and genetically engineered toxins as a result of our belief that it’s okay for us to develop weapons of mass destruction, just not other countries.

3. The Gigantic Atomic Dildo. Really gives it to ‘em, all those ignorant savages and towel heads the Republicans in particular despise, though they’re not particular which towel-heads it’s used on. Phallic-shaped. Spurts a mysterious substance called Euclid-43.

4. The George W. Bush Giant Shoe Invisible Bomber. Named for our former chief executive. Flies in pairs. Usually against small desert countries.

These projects need a war in which to be used, and they will be approved and built, Republicans hope, despite what Republicans consider a misguided president, a boy who doesn’t know his place, who talks too much like a traitor about helping people.

Copyright 2009 Sammonsays.

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