[ Enlarge ]
LaTimes: If conservatives don’t want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments.

It’s been a week now, and I still don’t know what those “tea bag” protests were about. I saw signs protesting abortion, illegal immigrants, the bank bailout and that gay guy who’s going to win “American Idol.” But it wasn’t tax day that made them crazy; it was election day. Because that’s when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority.

The conservative base is absolutely apoplectic because, because … well, nobody knows. They’re mad as hell, and they’re not going to take it anymore. Even though they’re not quite sure what “it” is. But they know they’re fed up with “it,” and that “it” has got to stop.

Here are the big issues for normal people: the war, the economy, the environment, mending fences with our enemies and allies, and the rule of law.

And here’s the list of Republican obsessions since President Obama took office: that his birth certificate is supposedly fake, he uses a teleprompter too much, he bowed to a Saudi guy, Europeans like him, he gives inappropriate gifts, his wife shamelessly flaunts her upper arms, and he shook hands with Hugo Chavez and slipped him the nuclear launch codes.

Do these sound like the concerns of a healthy, vibrant political party?

It’s sad what’s happened to the Republicans. They used to be the party of the big tent; now they’re the party of the sideshow attraction, a socially awkward group of mostly white people who speak a language only they understand. Like Trekkies, but paranoid.

The GOP base is convinced that Obama is going to raise their taxes, which he just lowered. But, you say, “Bill, that’s just the fringe of the Republican Party.” No, it’s not. The governor of Texas, Rick Perry, is not afraid to say publicly that thinking out loud about Texas seceding from the Union is appropriate considering that … Obama wants to raise taxes 3% on 5% of the people? I’m not sure exactly what Perry’s independent nation would look like, but I’m pretty sure it would be free of taxes and Planned Parenthood. And I would have to totally rethink my position on a border fence.

I know. It’s not about what Obama’s done. It’s what he’s planning. But you can’t be sick and tired of something someone might do.

Republican Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota recently said she fears that Obama will build “reeducation” camps to indoctrinate young people. But Obama hasn’t made any moves toward taking anyone’s guns, and with money as tight as it is, the last thing the president wants to do is run a camp where he has to shelter and feed a bunch of fat, angry white people.

Look, I get it, “real America.” After an eight-year run of controlling the White House, Congress and the Supreme Court, this latest election has you feeling like a rejected husband. You’ve come home to find your things out on the front lawn — or at least more things than you usually keep out on the front lawn. You’re not ready to let go, but the country you love is moving on. And now you want to call it a whore and keep its car.

That’s what you are, the bitter divorced guy whose country has left him — obsessing over it, haranguing it, blubbering one minute about how much you love it and vowing the next that if you cannot have it, nobody will.

But it’s been almost 100 days, and your country is not coming back to you. She’s found somebody new. And it’s a black guy.

The healthy thing to do is to just get past it and learn to cherish the memories. You’ll always have New Orleans and Abu Ghraib.

And if today’s conservatives are insulted by this, because they feel they’re better than the people who have the microphone in their party, then I say to them what I would say to moderate Muslims: Denounce your radicals. To paraphrase George W. Bush, either you’re with them or you’re embarrassed by them.

The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don’t need to. They already beat you in public.

[ Enlarge ] About The Author: Bill Maher — Bill Maher is one of the most politically astute comedians in America today. His unflinching honesty and commitment to never pulling a punch have garnered him the respect and admiration of millions of fans. In 2003, Maher launched a new show, “Real Time with Bill Maher,” on HBO, a network that’s a perfect fit for his irreverent style. The hour-long show airs live at 10:00PM on Friday nights, with a replay at 11PM. “Real Time with Bill Maher” has received multiple Emmy nominations as well as nominations from the Writer’s Guild of America. Some of the outstanding guests who have appeared on the show include Howard Dean, Michael Moore, Robin Williams, Drew Barrymore, Bradley Whitford, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Gen. Wesley Clark, Susan Sarandon, Kevin Costner, Gary Hart, Pat Buchanan and George Carlin. Each week, Bill’s hilarious opening monologue, incisive interviews and stimulating panel discussion, as well as his extremely popular “New Rules” segment, serve to wrap up the week’s most important events in a way that makes you think, as well as laugh. In 1993, Maher created “Politically Incorrect.” On Comedy Central, Maher brought together some of the most interesting politicians, entertainers, and journalists to participate in some of the most controversial, topical and comical discussions. Winners of four CableACE Awards combined, Maher and his program grew in popularity year to year, eventually catching the attention in 1997 of ABC and capturing the post-”Nightline” time slot. A cutting edge contender of provocative late night television, “Politically Incorrect” survived for five years on ABC and concluded its final run in July 2002. “Politically Incorrect” received a total of 18 Emmy nominations since 1995. Maher, inspired by the show’s success, assembled some of “PI’s” most memorable highlights in his book, Does Anybody Have a Problem With That? Politically Incorrect’s Greatest Hits. Maher’s latest book, When you ride ALONE you ride with bin Laden, was released in 2002. The book is a useful and hilarious guide for the many Americans who want to help the war effort, but are at a loss as to how. A combination of 33 new posters, as well as several classics from our government’s archives, and text by Maher, help Americans make the connections between what we do and how it can help our troops and ourselves. In conjunction with the book’s release, Maher went on a nationwide stand-up tour and drew standing ovations for his hilarious routine which utilized the posters from the book to illustrate his commentary. Maher’s credits include five HBO specials, including the critically acclaimed “Bill Maher: Be More Cynical.” Maher has participated in comedy tours throughout the United States. Most recently, he received a Tony nomination for the three-week run of his one-man Broadway Show, “Victory Begins at Home.” An English major graduate from Cornell University, Maher began his career honing his act during the ’80s on the New York club scene. He reflects upon this time in True Story, a novelization of his club life and a funny, revealing depiction of the comic. Maher was born in New York and raised in River Vale, New Jersey. He now resides in Los Angeles. Visit BillMaher.com for more information.