By: KWAMCHETSI MAKOKHA
After the scandalous manner in which all the big corporations in the world have been scurrying to put distance between themselves and the god of golf, it is clear that young Eldrick Tont (also known as Tiger) Woods needs help.

Not that he will want for money or affection, but it would be quite a waste for a role model such as he to be retired from the public eye on account of his indiscretions becoming public.

Already, car and shaving razor manufacturers, computer firms and fashion houses that were paying billions of shillings to be associated with him now only want Tiger Woods as far as they can throw him.

And all that because he believed that marrying a super model was not the end of the world. For that, they will take away the free car he drives, the cap he wears and his golf set and bag.

Sexual addiction

You would think the cars, razor blades and whatever else Tiger advertised would acquire a sudden worldliness and begin embodying the traits of marital deceit and sexual addiction.

No one is thanking Tiger Woods or even congratulating him on his superhuman restraint — given that he has a billion dollars, is hot, of mixed race and plays golf like a god.

People with just a fifth of his talents and achievements would have a harem — ask the oil sheikhs in the Middle East — with full public approval. By comparison, Tiger Woods is as safe as accompanying Dick Cheney on a hunting expedition is.

His modest record with the ladies could make him a veritable church leader of the evangelical variety who preaches about the mercy of God and how he picks people up whenever they fall.

Although it might take some work, Tiger Woods could easily become the patron saint of Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Well, the Tiger could also decide to junk the humility he has pretended to so far and be the stud he has revealed himself to be. He could go on to become an even bigger brand than he is by seeing the silver lining in his singular misfortune of being caught.

Were an industry that enjoys little public trust — such as insurance or banking — to ever need an image makeover, they would use Tiger to send the message that they are so bad at cheating they would be caught if they tried.

Such honesty would establish sincere and open communication with clients. No one would doubt Tiger — he was caught, wasn’t he?

With his looks and reputation, Tiger Woods could reissue a hip-hop version of the Hal Sharper’s Never Get Caught, which came to prominence in the musical version of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island. Tiger could be the next Michael Jackson after that. He would not need to sing a note.

Lip-synch is all that we would need. Titleist, General Motors, Accenture and their corporate cousins could be invited to go hang because Tiger would be a pop idol in two weeks.

Right after the release of the remixed album, he could go on to be the mascot for libido. Were the golf supremo to enter negotiations with a company like Pfizer, he could clinch a deal as their spokesman for 10 years, in which time his only job would be to represent their magical blue pill — Viagra and swing his golf club.

Although it is already moving fast, Viagra needs the respectability of a sportsman and Tiger would be that face. Putting golf and Viagra together would just kill those people who thought Tiger was over. He has the looks, he has the credibility, and anyone who needed the pill would trust Tiger’s testimony.

Anyone who can cheat on not just his wife but close to a dozen mistresses must be onto something the rest of the men folk do not know.

Going by the number of girlfriends who have crawled out of the woodwork so far, and the variety of their engagements, Tiger could easily become the poster boy of the biggest condom manufacturer.

Tiger already enjoys a great deal of credibility around this product. He could advertise the condoms everywhere — on buses, on TV, billboards, brochures and the packets themselves. He could even have a brand named after him.

The sound of Tiger Condoms is laden with promise and adventure. Why, he could even start his own condom manufacturing plant. The Joint United Nations Programme on Aids could recruit him as a special goodwill ambassador.

Goodwill ambassador

He would potter around the globe, waving his golf stick threatening and encouraging men to use condoms. The downside with these goodwill ambassador jobs is that they do not pay too well, so it is best to look further afield.

With his money, though, Tiger Woods could easily go into the design industry, where he would launch lingerie lines — one for each of his known mistresses — and a men’s underwear line that would only rival the 007 James Bond label famous in these parts in the 1970s.

As payback to Gillette, who appear to be punishing him for living up to their promise of getting the best a man can get, Tiger could choose to grow his hair — complete with the facial variety — and become a shampoo model.

With all these possibilities knocking at the door, Tiger would rake in bigger bucks than he already has. And he could keep world attention away from politics, climate change and all that hat as he has done these past three weeks.

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