Columnist – John Sammon
How would you like to be the kind of person who appeals to the worst in people, most of them small angry white men? How would you like to make oodles of money spreading malice and falsehood under the guise of righteousness, and contribute to the Balkanizing of America?

You too can work for Fox News and become a reactionary zealot, using television and radio. Here are some simple rules that if you follow, you can reach the top…..of the dung heap.

1.   First of all, you have to be white. You can’t be a black or a Mexican and become a right wing radio TV zealot for Fox News. You must be white, the whiter the better. So white, you practically glow in the dark.

2.   Next, you need to be chubby. You need to have the kind of face that looks like chipmunks are storing acorns in your cheeks. In a medium that stresses slimness, beauty and glamour, you need to be pudgy. Don’t ask why. Just over-eat.

3.   You must never serve in the military. In the history of Fox, no right wing zealot commentator has ever served in the military. You don’t need to, after all, you’ll be accusing everybody else of treachery and subversion, while at the same time promoting war, the ultimate perversity. Time in the military is time wasted, a sucker game, not for you, making it harder for you to work your way up from that obscure radio station to the big time as a professional broadcast fanatic on Fox News. Instead, stay in college and get started broadcasting over the college radio, spewing lies about the alleged perverted sexual practices of fellow students. This will develop in you a thick hide and a disregard for the suffering of others and the truth, necessary attributes to be a right wing zealot commentator at Fox.

4.   Next, learn to ignore history, while twisting the little you actually know. I didn’t say study history. Just twist it to suit your ends. This is simple to practice in your college dorm room. Simply stand in front of a mirror, and verbally rehearse disagreeing. Have someone say to you, “the sun came up yesterday.” Now say, “No it didn’t.” Now say, repeat after me, “black is white, square is round, up is down.” Look if not forceful, then mean. This will scare some people in your future audience and convince them you know what you’re talking about.

5.   Develop a prospectus, a list of lightning rod issues where it’s legitimately one argument against the other, but that you can exploit to whip up fear and hatred, like abortion, or gun control. Write out and memorize mindless statements that condemn the opponents of your position by idiotic inaccurate historical comparisons that seem profound, but really aren’t, such as, “Hitler believed in gun control, and so does Obama, so Obama is Hitler.” The more of these moronic parables you can commit to memory, the better.

6.   Never agree to appear on any TV or radio show that is not your own and with someone you know to be intelligent, glib and in opposition to your views. Never, but never.

7.   Practice looking smug. Fat white cheeks, and smug. Look in the mirror. Are you smug? Remember, as smug as you think you are, you’re not that smug on camera. You have to be really smug. Practice it over and again.

8.   Even though you feel like it, never use the N word to refer to African Americans. Instead, call them the safer “socialist, communist, Al-Qaeda-lover, traitor, subversive, liberal, Bush-Cheney-hater.” Constantly be on the lookout for new smear labels. This deflects from the issue at hand and keeps the focus on you and your personality.

9.   Once you become a success, if you reach a saturation audience rating, in other words, a lot of angry 22-year-old white men named Billy Bob Ray Floyd are listening to you, ask Rupert Murdoch for a raise.

10.   These are but a few of the principles I outline in my new CD kit and booklet, You Too Can be An Asshole. Only $79.95 while supplies last.

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