Columnist – John Sammon
Many of the conservatives are angry little fat white guys with balding heads, like Carl and Rush. When Obama proved more intelligent and eloquent by far than they are, an American of African descent, but someone whom they consider an uppity college communist nigger, they were understandably perplexed, baffled, and to say the least, pissed.

This, after Bush went to all the trouble to appoint an African American as secretary of state in a symbolic act to hide from the public the fact that the Republican Party is racist to the core.

Nevertheless, they got the message. We got to find our own nigger to counter the Democrats. They settled on Bobby, some first generation East Indian from Louisiana whom they called “elephant jockey,” “turban head” and “Sabu” behind his back. Even though they considered him an inferior, transplanted exotic flower that has no business being here, they took him seriously as a contender for three days until he made a bizarre speech nobody could understand about tax cuts and volcanoes and slipped in the polls.

They’re still looking.

How would you like to be a token African for the Republicans? You too can rise in the party that did nothing, absolutely nothing, for fifty years, to ensure equality, and if they had their way, even today you would still be sitting on the back of a bus. If you are black.

First, practice the way you speak. To please the fat little white power brokers in the Republican Party, practice saying, “yow-ser boss! Yowser. I’z a comin.”

Never use words like “indubitably, or “intransigent.” That will bring a puzzled look to their face. They’ll think you’re uppity. Remember, as a figurehead, they want to dominate you and pull your puppet strings from behind.

That means sucking up to Rush and Carl.

Shuffle a lot when you walk and make sure to keep your eyes to the ground whenever you’re around these Republican zealots. Act scared a lot. It doesn’t hurt. Shiver and roll your eyes. You want to convince them you’re harmless. Remember, this is the stereotype they grew up with after all, those fat little white bald Republicans. This is the caricature they watched on TV in the 1950s on Amos and Andy.

Next, always, wear a suit and a tie, so the little fat white men can say in a patronizing tome, “he’s a credit to his race” (translated that means, he’s a good nigger).

Next, sing a lot when you’re around those little fat bald white men. They expect you to sing. Sing songs (in a slow, mournful drawl) like….”nobody knows….da trouble I seen..nobody knows…my sorrow.” You’ll see the little fat bald white men’s faces light up as though you made their day.

Another possibility is that old standard, Old Man River. Sing it again and again. Little fat bald white men seem to think black men have a fixation about rivers (when they were kids they read Huck Finn).

If that doesn’t work. It will. They’ll already be talking about nominating you as the next Republican figure head, one they hope they can control. But let’s say if it doesn’t work, instead become a happy darky for them. Sing this instead, “da camp town race track sing dis song, doo-dah, doo-dah…” Slap your knee and smile.

If you do these things they’ll tell you there’s hope for America.

Also, talk about the Mississippi River a lot (remember that fixation about rivers). Nothing pleases little bald fat Republicans who wish you were back in the fields picking cotton where you belong as much as hearing you rapture about the Mississippi, even if you’re from Montana.

It also helps to have a wife who is taller than you are. Nothing pleases these little angry white guys who run the Republican Party as much as the mythology that men of color are henpecked little guys who are not the master in their own home.

If you do these things, you may even be considered for a subsidiary position in the Republican Party.

You see, you’re using their own racism to advance in a racist party because as John McCain learned last November, to be an angry little white guy isn’t enough anymore.

They learn slow, conservatives. They didn’t learn from the past eight years. But they do know one thing, in their minds, it takes a dog to catch a dog.

If you’re black, you can become the Republicans’ next attack dog.

Copyright 2009 Sammonsays.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

———————————————————————————————————————————————–