Columnist – John Sammon
He butters his bread with a pudgy hand. Dick Cheney is a patriot. That’s what he calls himself. He is the only one who openly calls himself a patriot.

Others may have called him a patriot once in awhile, only because they were on a government payroll, and their sycophant slave jobs demanded they suck up to Cheney.

In the morning, before entering his limousine for a ride downtown, he removes his silk monogrammed pajamas to take a shower. They are the expensive silk monogrammed pajamas of a patriot.

He’s a patriot. He’ll tell you so.

He’s a patriot who’s never ventured near a front line, and when 9-11 happened, he took shelter in an underground bunker. Unlike others, he’s too valuable to lose. Dick doesn’t believe in leading from the front. Dick lets others face the bullets while he hides.

He’s a patriot.

Dick is a professional schemer. It’s his one great virtuoso art, in addition to being a self-proclaimed patriot. Government, like the crooked corporate board room, is a fertile ground for schemers. Dick is among the best. He learned how to scheme back in the Watergate days as a professional “yes-hatchet man.” Scheming is an art. Some do it better than others.

Dick is a Picasso at scheming.

In government, scheming is highly valued by some people, as well as numbers crunching and paper shuffling and underling delegating or underling bullet biting (letting underlings take the blame away from Cheney).

He hasn’t an idealistic bone in his rotund body. That’s if scheming and the almost innate instinctive ability he has to advance himself, to look out for number one, to always profit, to always put himself first, like a cat who always lands on its feet, don’t count as idealism.

In fact, on more than one occasion, he’s actually defied gravity. Most other people who fail suffer for it. Dick can commit an impeachable offense, get away with it, and get promoted higher up the ladder.

But it’s not idealism.

You see, for something to qualify as idealism as defined in the dictionary, it usually has to be for a goal that is considered worthy. Chicanery is not usually considered worthy, and not idealism.

Dick is not an idealist.

Dick is a patriot. He’ll tell you he is.

He softly pads his chubby white feet toward the shower over his expensive shag rug. It’s the expansive installed shag rug of a patriot. He’s a patriot.

Dick has to take heart medicine because he has spent so much time scheming, counting money, avoiding military service, and so little time doing anything of a physical nature. He’s never been to a supermarket to buy food. Somebody else does that for him. Everybody does everything else for him, like buying embossed toilet paper. While he schemes.

He doesn’t scheme as much nowadays now that he’s out of office. These days he more often appears at press clubs or political meetings where he can act like he’s still in office and where he can act the big guy and accuse people who disagree with him of treachery. He says those people are not patriots.

Dick’s big alright. But it’s fat.

He’s a patriot, a patriot who unlike the patriot George Washington, is physically unable to even mount a horse. It’s good for him that he avoids physical things because he went out one time with a rich lawyer crony friend and accidentally shot the poor man in the face. Dick is a patriot who unlike the Minutemen, can’t handle a gun.

He moves from his shower and dons his $3,000 custom-tailored pair of Givenchy slacks. The reason Dick has so much in common with common people who have to wear bargain basement slacks they bought at Target Store is that he understand their problems. He’s a patriot after all, a patriot who wears dress shoes made of the finest Italian leather. Dick feels the good life is owed him because he sacrificed and served the country. Riding around in limousines and acting the big guy is serving the country.

He’ll tell you. He’s a patriot.

He’s a liar as well as a patriot. Dick learned that to survive in the cutthroat world of politics, you need to be an artful liar, and to keep lying, and then to lie again when challenged that you lie. He’s also a mean spirit who’s not averse to telling someone “f..’ck you!” As he did to one congressman.

It’s lucky for Dick he doesn’t have to defend his abusive words with action, with his fists, because he’d collapse with a heart attack.

He’s fat. A fat patriot.

If he had ever endured any hardship in life, he’d be thinner.

WAR CRIMINAL Dick Cheney Rewrites History For HIMSELF

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