Columnist – John Sammon
My gun is who I am. Love me. Love my gun. I R a patriot. I live where real Amer-cuns live. I be a member of the Thunderbolt Party. We wear German helmets and we carry the Bible and our guns.

We wear armbands with a thunderbolt on ‘em. Most of us are rural gas station attendants, the working class backbone of the country. Not some bunch of lily-livered limp wrists who like to think.

Love me love my gun.

I’m oiling my gun, waiting fer’ the day when weez’ gonna take back our coun-try.

When I get up in the morning, I thank God he made me a white man, not some socialist jig-a-boo communist co.’k-sucking faggot. Not some left-wing sissy whining momma’s-boy college-educated immigrant bastard.

You mess with me and I’ll kill ya.’ That’s what a Republic should be. Not this here Demo-crappy (Democracy) all them faggots and darkies and the traitors been coming over here to infect it been sayin.’

Love my gun. My gun I keep on the wall in a-place-o honor. I take it off the wall and keep it next to me in my bed. My gun is unregistered. You try to take my gun away an I’ll kill ya.’

I can shoot my own shoes off without nickin’ the skin if I need to, or part the hair on a sparrow at 300 yards.

We’re gonna have us a meetin’ where we talk about how to git back at them communist socialist bastard elected officials who don’t think our way and their immigrant faggot friends. Tryin’ to socialize us and forcing us take health insurance and abortions and such. We learn how to make threatening phone calls to their wives and children.

How to dump nails in their driveway.

Or worse.

If that don’t scare ‘em off, we have other means. We in the Thunderbolt Party.

Love me. Love my gun. Kiss my gun.

Any real man huntz with a gun. Any real American man like Dick Cheney, or that guy who was in the movie where he wuz’ the old Jew-boy with the beard (Charlton Heston as Moses).

Weez’ related to the founders of this country who shot the sh.’t outta the Indians, who made our God the God over ‘em and cleared the land and made it work. And then them foreign traitors come over here and try and take it away. And people of minorities and lesbians who get uppity and don’t know their place start whining and the political sonsofbitches left-wing traitors like Kennedy and Roosevelt suck up to ‘em.

Not me. They can kiss my ass. Love me. Love my gun.

I be a tea-bag right-wing patriot, and I’m proud of it.

I jus love to polish my gun and to hold it in my hands because the day of reckoning iz-a-comin.’

If they keep a-lectin’ them traitor faggots then we in the Thunderbolt Party will meet and think about ways we kin’ take our country back. A country where a white man and woman can walk down the street.

I have my gun. I love my gun.

To arms! To arms! We’re tea baggers, but we ain’t throwin’ no tea this time.

You jus’ watch what we do.

Love me. Love my gun.

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