Columnist – John Sammon
Newt Gingrich bided his time, while the other candidates, flip-flop Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, the I-can’t-remember-the-government-agency-I’m gonna-eliminate brain freeze, and Herman Cain, the sign-my-disclaimer-and-take-money-so-you-won’t-testify-when-I-mother-grab-you-womanizer with the secret unseen wife, imploded.

Even though his first staff quit because he took a luxury cruise rather than campaign, Newt knew his time had come. Newt and his new campaign manager are arguing over how Newt can take advantage of his new status as front runner because of the stumbling of his Three-Stooge competitors.

“Why should I suck up to liberals and say money given to me from private sources for influence is wrong,” Newt says angrily. “That’s a socialist argument.”

“You’ve got to act presidential, Newt. There are some people out there who feel that bribe influence money from the private sector is improper.”

“A bunch of liberals led by that Kenyan anti-colonial Obama,” Newt snarls.

“You’ve got to act presidential Newt. That means not calling people names.”

“Did it matter that my sleeping around with other women didn’t hurt me,” Newt says. “My ex-wife understood and so do the people of this country. I’m a patriot. I can do whatever I want.”

“Don’t mention other women Newt. You’re gonna give me a heart attack. You’ve got to act presidential. That means you don’t sleep with other women until it’s safe to do so. Remember what happened to Gary Hart?”

“A liberal socialist. Did any of them have the guts to tell it like it is. Ronald Reagan was the greatest man in history, or that for example the people of New Orleans deserved to get wiped out by that hurricane because they were so goddamed ignorant they didn’t even have the intelligence to get out of the way. Let them get a job. Beach volleyball wasn’t thought up by government.”

“Act presidential Newt! What you’re saying, that’s the old Newt. That’s the Newt people don’t like and won’t elect. We’ve got to get some of these liberal sonofabitch traitors to vote for you.”

“When Ronald Reagan and I drew up the Contract for America, we envisioned a new America, one that would send immigrants back to where they belong, and would crack down on socialist freeloaders sponging off the system and their illegitimate kids, where everyone would be forced to be like Reagan and me.”

“Will you forget about Reagan Newt! That was back then. What are you, in love with the guy? Now repeat after me, the..Rain..In..Spain..Falls..Mainly..on..The..Plain.”

“The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain,” Newt says.

“I think you’ve got it. Now say, the president is president of all Americans.”

Newt grimaces. “I can’t say it.”

“Could you at least say, the president is president of deserving Americans?”

Newt nods. “I think I can say that. Will it make you happy if I change my stance on immigrants and say that they don’t all have to go home, just the liberal socialists and those Occupy unwashed street bums and their born-out-of-wedlock kids.”

“There you go again Newt.”

“That’s my favorite line. Reagan said that.”

“Will you forget Reagan Newt? You’re reverting again to the old Newt. We need the new Newt. This is our golden chance if we don’t blow it. Once you get in office you can be the old Newt all you like. Are you going to listen to me or do you want me to quit too?”

Newt shrugs. “Okay.”

“Let’s start again. Repeat after me, act presidential.”

“Act presidential.”

“I think you’ve got it.”

PLAYLIST: Newton Leroy ‘Newt’ Gingrich — Scam Artist Extraordinaire (8+ Hrs of Newt)